Until we meet again

Saying goodbye is a really painful thing. I am pretty good at pushing it off and pretending that moment will never actually come. Sadly today that moment came crashing down, twice.  I do two types of goodbyes....the first is where I am still pushing it away and it won't hit until I am safely miles away from the person (or people) and can deal with it alone, in my bed, late at night. The second, is where I push the moment away quite well and although it's on my mind daily, I mask the sadness with my 'it's never really going to happen' face. Unfortunately with this second kind of goodbye my tears break loose destroying that mask and I am forced to deal with it... RIGHT then. This week has been full of those awful goodbyes. And although change is often a good thing, I can't help but hate leaving what I'm so used to- even if it what is SUPPOSED to happen.  

Look at me now

I am determined to learn this, and sound as good as she does rapping it.

The Room

I love this story...

In that place between wakefulness and dreams, I found myself in a room. There were no distinguishing features in this room save the one wall covered with small index card files. They were like the ones in libraries that list titles by author or subject in alphabetical order. But these files, which stretched from floor to ceiling and seemingly endlessly in either direction, had very different headings. As I drew near the wall of files, the first to catch my attention was one that read "Girls I Have Liked". I opened it and began flipping through the cards. I quickly shut it, shocked to realize that I recognized the names written on each one.


And then without being told, I knew exactly where I was. This lifeless room with its small files was a crude catalog system for my life. Here were written the actions of my every moment, big and small, in a detail my memory couldn't match.


A sense of wonder and curiosity, coupled with horror, stirred within me as I began randomly opening files and exploring their content. Some brought joy and sweet memories; others a sense of shame and regret so intense that I would look over my shoulder to see if anyone was watching.


A file named "Friends" was next to one marked "Friends I Have Betrayed".


The titles ranged from the mundane to the outright weird. "Books I Have Read", "Lies I Have Told", "Comfort I Have Given", "Jokes I Have Laughed At". Some were almost hilarious in their exactness: "Things I've Yelled at My Brothers." Others I couldn't laugh at: "Things I Have Done in My Anger", "Things I Have Muttered Under My Breath at My Parents". I never ceased to be surprised by the contents. Often there were many more cards than I expected. Sometimes fewer than I hoped.


I was overwhelmed by the sheer volume of the life I had lived. Could it be possible that I had the time in my 20 years to write each of these thousands or even millions of cards? But each card confirmed this truth. Each was written in my own handwriting. Each signed with my signature.


When I pulled out the file marked "Songs I Have Listened To", I realized the files grew to contain their contents. The cards were packed tightly, and yet after two or three yards, I hadn't found the end of the file. I shut it, shamed, not so much by the quality of music, but more by the vast amount of time I knew that file represented.


When I came to a file marked "Lustful Thoughts", I felt a chill run through my body. I pulled the file out only an inch, not willing to test its size, and drew out a card. I shuddered at its detailed content. I felt sick to think that such a moment had been recorded.


An almost animal rage broke on me. One thought dominated my mind: "No one must ever see these cards! No one must ever see this room! I have to destroy them!" In an insane frenzy I yanked the file out. Its size didn't matter now. I had to empty it and burn the cards. But as I took it at one end and began pounding it on the floor, I could not dislodge a single card. I became desperate and pulled out a card, only to find it as strong as steel when I tried to tear it.


Defeated and utterly helpless, I returned the file to its slot. Leaning my forehead against the wall, I let out a long, self-pitying sigh. And then I saw it. The title --- "People I Have Shared the Gospel With". The handle was brighter than those around it, newer, almost unused. I pulled on its handle and a small box not more than three inches long fell into my hands. I could count the cards it contained on one hand.


And then the tears came. I began to weep. Sobs so deep that the hurt started in my stomach and shook through me. I fell on my knees and cried. I cried out of shame, from the overwhelming shame of it all. The rows of file shelves swirled in my tear-filled eyes. No one must ever, ever know of this room. I must lock it up and hide the key.


But then as I pushed away the tears, I saw Him. No, please not Him. Not here. Oh, anyone but Jesus. I watched helplessly as He began to open the files and read the cards. I couldn't bear to watch His response. And in the moments I could bring myself to look at His face, I saw a sorrow deeper than my own. He seemed to intuitively go to the worst boxes. Why did He have to read every one?


Finally He turned and looked at me from across the room. He looked at me with pity in His eyes. But this was a pity that didn't anger me. I dropped my head, covered my face with my hands and began to cry again. He walked over and put His arm around me. He could have said so many things. But He didn't say a word. He just cried with me.


Then He got up and walked back to the wall of files. Starting at one end of the room, He took out a file and, one by one, began to sign His name over mine on each card.


"No!" I shouted rushing to Him. All I could find to say was "No, no," as I pulled the card from Him. His name shouldn't be on these cards. But there it was, written in red so rich, so dark, so alive. The name of Jesus covered mine.


It was written with His blood.


He gently took the card back. He smiled a sad smile and began to sign the cards. I don't think I'll ever understand how He did it so quickly, but the next instant it seemed I heard Him close the last file and walk back to my side. He placed His hand on my shoulder and said, "It is finished."


I stood up, and He led me out of the room. There was no lock on its door. There were still cards to be written.

One Success

Last weekend I had a very successful Sunday, but a very UN- successful Saturday. My roommate Kim had a birthday two weeks ago and so last week we, as roommates, were celebrating! I was so excited because I was making her cake- a homemade coconut cake! It did not sound absolutely delicious to me but the fact that I was baking a cake from scratch for the first time seemed like quite an adventure (I am slightly obsessed with baking)! Not to mention-Stefan and I have been watching an episode, or two, of cake boss each night and I have had a deep desire to build a beautiful cake.

So I started to mix the batter and once finished I tried it (duh) and it was the MOST amazing batter I had ever tasted. I made everyone in the room come and sample the deliciousness. After it had baked I dyed the frosting pink and decorated it with strawberries and raspberries-my own personal touch. I must say, it was one of the best desserts I had every tasted. I got impatient and frosted it a little early so the cake wasn't completely cool- so it could have been more beautiful but it tasted divine and that's all that matters, right? 

Try the coconut cake for yourself! It will be worth your time- I promise!

 Luscious Coconut Cream Cake

1 cup butter                                                    
1 1/2 tsp baking soda

2 cups sugar                                               
1/2 tsp salt
1 tsp vanilla
1 c. buttermilk

1/2 tsp coconut flavoring
3/4 cup coconut 

5 egg yolks      
5 egg whites, stiffly beaten

2 1/4 cup flour 

In large bowl cream butter & sugar thoroughly. Add flavorings & egg yolks one at a time, beating well after each addition. In small bowl combine dry ingredients. Add to butter mixture alternately with milk. Blend in coconut. Beat egg whites & fold into batter. Pour into 3 greased & floured round cake pans. Bake at 350 for 20-25 minutes or until toothpick comes out clean (check a little earlier than 20). Cool 10 minutes, in pan, then remove & cool completely on rack. 

FROSTING

1/2 cup butter                                                  
1/4 tsp. coconut flavoring

8 oz. cream cheese, softened                        
3 cups powdered sugar

1/2 tsp. vanilla                                                  
3/4 cup coconut 

In bowl cream together butter, cream cheese, & flavorings. Gradually add owdered sugar, beating until smooth. Spread between layers, on top, & sides of cake. Sprinkle coconut on top. 

*Then I added strawberries and raspberries which made it delicious!

Today I am making coconut cream cupcakes, homemade apple pie, and chocolate chip cookies :) Linger Longer bake off in church tomorrow! 

Happy Baking!

Picture Story of my mind

Ideas?

Okay, so I know that my blog is not entertaining to read. I am all over the place, and usually only post once every couple of months. BUT if any time is the time for you to read it and comment it is now....because my roommates and I are doing a group date on Saturday but we don't know what to do! We want it to be fun, original, and inexpensive

If you have any great ideas, please comment and share :) 

Thanks 
 I would prefer the date to go like this:

Rather than this: 

Anything is okay if you have at least 3 reasons to back it up, right?

I have officially decided to give up on the blog challenge, for the following  3 reasons:

1) I will probably never finish it and sometimes want to blog about something besides what's on the challenge- but then feel like I'm cheating
2) I just looked at the next post and wasn't sure how to create a blog on it. The post  was supposed to be about music. Asking me to narrow down my favorite songs is next to impossible, then asking me what songs I listen to for each mood I am in is even closer to impossible since it varies depending on what the cause of that current mood is
3) The ideas on this blog challenge are not that unique, or interesting, and I don't feel like continuing to try and BS my way through each one

But I do plan on finding a blog challenge I actually WANT to finish, and will actually enjoy wasting your time on my opinions, goals, wants, complaints, needs, etc.

It's an uphill fight

Post  #9 - Something you’re proud of in the past few days

My next post is supposed to be something I am proud of in the last few days....honestly, I am proud that I got out of the funk I've been in the last couple weeks. I stopped caring about the important things, doubting the true things, and allowed myself to fall backwards. One of my roommates told me that when you're trying to move forward in life it's like rollerblading up a hill; the moment you stop climbing, whether you mean to or not, you will roll backwards.

Write and Remember

 

#8 Short term goals for this month and why

When it comes to goal making, I am super at thinking of things I should/need to accomplish. The problem is, 'thinking' about what I should/need to do is usually as far as I get. Unless they are small, everyday things, then I usually am more likely to accomplish them- so this list should be alright. 

(Except- I did write down my New Years Resolutions this year and I think I have fulfilled all but one. That one will probably take a couple years to fully accomplish, but I think I made a decent dent in it for this year).

So maybe that's the magic trick of goal accomplishment- writing them down.

 

I think poor Mr. Alligator (left) thought he had no way out of being a purse, so he embraced it and made it his goal. Instead his goal should have been to find a lady alligator friend to run away with. If he had done that, he'd be happily living in some nasty somewhere with his lady-instead of in your closet. Poor guy. 

Don't let this happen to you. Make your goals something that will enhance your future, don't go with what is already mapped out by someone else. It is important to make you goals for yourslef and something that will be beneficial for YOU.

I constantly find myself battling these frightening obstacles. But every time I do it's because I let myself forget the goal, the big picture, the reason I am doing the things I am doing. I look to the left a little or turn around to look back, instead of looking my goal in the eye until I reach it. It's easy to lose sight of our goals, and drift away from them when other things seem more appealing at the moment. Unfortunately, it usually is only for the moment. I think a big part of accomplishing your goals is, after writing them down, putting them somewhere that will remind you often what you're trying to reach.

In my opinion, the short term goals are easier to accomplish than the long term ones. They're quicker so they usually don't come with as many obstacles.

So here are my goals- For December (since we're almost there), hopefully they will get accomplished without too much slacking on my part. 

1. Work-work-work till I have the money I need for my rent which is due on the 1st (Unfortunately, it won't be paid on time) and do not spend money on ANYTHING I don't absolutely need until that is paid in full.

2. Study-study-study (till I know the material inside-and-out) and do super well on every final  and end the semester with all A's and B's.

3. Go to the temple twice [I know that's not a lot, but it's hard in Logan when you have to SCHEDULE appointments and can't call to do so until after 11:30 and then have to go when they tell you they can squeeze you in (that is, if they can)!]

4. Work on my frustration with the way they do baptisms in the Logan temple

5. Go the the gym at least 4 days a week, or just make sure to get at least 16-20 miles of running in each week (I've been slacking)

6. Wok on my sugar ADDICTION and it toning down a few notches

7. Be less selfish- I've been in this "work on me" zone for a little while now and have forgotten to pay as much attention to those around me. I haven't been as good of a friend as I should be. 

8. Start making progress on my choice of a major 

9. Buy some boots that will keep snow out (Back to number 1- this is an absolute need. I live in Logan, Utah)

10. TRY to get on a better sleeping schedule 

 That will probably suffice for now. I could keep going, but I shouldn't overload, I might not do them all if I do that! Besides- the other ones are either a) Too personal to share or b) will take way longer than a month to accomplish. So those are a few small goals for the month. But I promise to continue keeping my larger goals in mind as well, and if I do get distracted and hit one of those scary obstacles because of it, I will get around it.

I hope you'll do the same!  

The Path to my castle

Post #7 - A picture of someone/something that has the biggest impact on you

 

 He is the only thing that has had the biggest impact on me since day one. Someone that, even when I am straying, or going through a rough patch, is on my mind. Whether he is at the very front of my mind, or someone I have pushed further back at times. Regardless, he is always there. My room is filled with pictures and quotes about Christ, and the gospel. I try to make him my main focus. I sometimes tell myself that my testimony isn't as strong as it really is. I tend to analyze and focus on those things I can't comprehend, and talk myself out of it.  But, when I do that, I am insulting my Savior- who died for me and shows me he loves me daily. Who stretches me, helps me to grow, leads, and directs, my life in the very best ways. Preparing me for the happily ever after that I long for. It's so true that you never understand your trials while you are going through them, but looking back you usually know exactly why (and sometimes you never know why and just have to trust that there was a reason, and God would never let you go through it if there wasn't) it happened the way it did, when it did. One of my favorite quotes is by Elder Simmons (of the seventy), my sister text it to me a month or so ago, and it says, "Faith is believing that although we don't understand all things, he does. Faith is knowing that although our power is limited his is not. Faith in Jesus Christ consists of complete reliance on him." 

"Do not expect to be free entirely from trouble and disappointment and pain and discouragement, for these are the things that we were sent to earth to endure."-Elder Boyd K. Packer says, before quoting another one of my all time favorite quotes:

"With thoughtless and impatient hands, we tangle up that plans the Lord hath wrought, and when we cry in pain he saith, "be quiet man, while I untie the knot.'" I need to remember why I am here, who really has the biggest impact in my life, and patiently allow him to direct my life.

Christ, and his gospel have the biggest impact on me because they're the entire reason I am here. To learn, grow, and return to my father in Heaven. Thoughts of Christ impact me daily, and help make all my decisions-sometimes big, and sometimes really small. 

I also need to make sure I am walking the right path to one day get married in my castle(Dad- not till I'm graduated from school of course):

Not all Superheros wear capes

Post # 6 - Favorite super hero and why

Most superhero's seem to have: a strong moral code, including willingness to risk one's own personal safety, which never seems to run out in the service of good without expectation of reward. 

Batman works on a triple D principle; dedication, determination, and devotion towards his work. 

Superman is fighting to safe guard man kind. In other words you feel safe in his presense. He is a man of principle and maintains a firm sense of right and wrong. He uses truth, justice, and freedom as his prime source of inspiration to serve..

 Urban Dictionary defines a superhero as: someone who is super and does super things.

"...My dear mom... my comforter

My friend forever

When life's right or wrong 

She is also my laughter

Yet my shoulder to cry on

My mom is my super hero

My mom is my world.." 

 My mom: 

Strong moral code (check)- My mom has always been a great example of teaching me the morals I need to uphold. She has taught by example, as well as enforcement (when needed). Which leads me to:
Willingness to risk herself/ own feelings for those around her (check)- She always raised me the best way she knew how. Often times I would disagree, mostly because I felt like I knew everything (don't worry, I now know that I don't). I never really saw the 'big picture' and I think I enjoyed being rebellious sometimes. But she knew what kind of person I needed to be and was willing to risk her own feelings, or our relationship (only because I would then fight back causing confrontation) at that very moment, to help mold me into a better person.

Without expectation of a reward (check)- She goes to work, always makes sure the house is clean, does laundry, cooks dinner, runs billions of errands a day, gardens, pays the bills (takes care of making sure they get paid, Ray also pays them), goes to her church meetings, visiting teaching, holds family scripture/prayer, calls and checks up on her kids, keeps tabs on all EIGHT of them, does so much for her mom, and all her family for that matter etc. etc. etc. and hardly ever, if ever, does anything for herself.  She is always thinking of others. And she never complains that no one has rewarded her, or that she expects one. She's basically just a supermom by default. Luckily she has a great husband who does nice things for her daily, and says nice things to her repeatedly. No one could ever reward her in the amount that she deserves, but he's definitely got a great head start on the rest of us.

Dedication determination and devotion towards her work (check, check, check) Even ask her boss, or co-workers, she will do anything to make sure what needs to be done, gets done. She will go in on her day off if she needs to, and/or stay late. And she's been there for like 100 years, so I think that covers the dedication part.

Feel safe in her presence (check) I feel very safe around her, always. As a matter of fact, I used to go to her for that feeling of safety late at night when I was scared and nothing else sufficed. And now whenever I feel alone, scared, confused, or unsafe, I will call her for that safety. (As long as I'm not in an irritated, or uptight, mood on top of the unsafe feeling-because then I tend to be not so nice).  I go to her for advice about everything. She probably knows more than she would like about me. But she obviously makes me feel safe or I wouldn't tell her ALL of my secrets. I feel guilty if I don't, so they always spill out.

Is an example in truth, justice, and freedom (check)- This makes me think of spiritual truth, and freedom. She is a rock in the church and the BEST example. Whenever my testimony is falling, hers is able to pull it up (even if I don't admit it). Just watching her example is able to strengthen me.

Super (check) I mean, if you don't think she's super by now then you are dismissed and not allowed to ever read my blog again.

She does super things (check- daily...) Helps throw baby/bridal showers for all the kids , does family dinners, buys me groceries and other things I need, doesn't give up on me when I am being far from pleasant, always encourages me, somehow did 10 people's laundry when all us kids lived at home, keeps reminding me the things I know and just need to believe, very talented at scrap booking, has really good penmanship, can type super fast, she raised (or helped) 8 kids while working, commutes an hour to work every day, loves her family equally and shows us each how much she cares, Plays the piano amazingly, makes the best goodies, plays games with her kids....Okay, it's 5:30 in the morning and if I don't stop here I could be writing 'super things' my mom does/has done for hours. Basically she's just awesome, amazing, beautiful, talented, selfless, spiritually solid, pleasant, helpful, smart, loving, kind, logical, calm, understanding, patient....shoot I started it again. These lists are never ending. My mom is my superhero and what I have written is just a microscopic example as to why.

People tell me I look like her, lucky me if that's what's coming in 30 years.

I'd pick her over Superman any day.

NY no C

Post 05 - A picture of somewhere you’ve been to

The Summer after I graduated high school I had the opportunity to go to Palmyra, New York for EFY.  Unfortunately I was not able to see the city, but I have a feeling my experience was much more beneficial than a tour around the city would have been. 

 

 The sacred grove was beautiful and had a very calm, and peaceful, feeling about it. I do admit though, it wasn't the feeling I expected when entering the grove. I don't know if I wanted the spirit to flood over me in an obvious way, or what, but I did expect more than what had happened. Once we were in the grove we were told to find our own place to sit and study our scriptures. I wandered around the grove hoping to just know the place the first vision took place. Unfortunately, I didn't receive that revelation. 

 Of all the places that I went to, The Hill Cumorah was my very favorite. The reason I added this terrible picture above, is because of what happened where it was taken... we had a lesson under a pavilion there and we talked about Joseph Smith. I am not exactly sure what the details of the lesson were, but I do remember the teacher saying, "Joseph Smith is a real prophet" and the spirit flooding throughout my body. This was not only the 'calm, and peaceful' feeling I felt in the sacred grove. It was that 'obvious' flood of the spirit that I had wanted. There has only been one other time in my life where I felt the spirit that distinctly. I'm not sure if the reason for this being my favorite place was this neat experience, or just how beautiful it was, and the amazing feeling I felt sitting at the top of it looking out.